random thoughts- november 11, 2007

I once thought that if this screen could have a different backgroung color it might be more inspirational for writing (it is white, by the way). I have been really trying to figure out why I have such a hard time getting in to gear when it comes down to it. I try to set the atmosphere, try to wait for the right moment, mood, ideas, passion, and who knows all what more to set a perfect and ideal stage to actually sit down and write something worth while my later reading or even someone elses. I think one of my problems is that I am a perfectionist in my writing- without the attempt. It really would be different if I had attempted once, twice, maybe even five times to write and re-write the same thing and then discarded it because I thought it wasn't any good. Why do you suppose instead of doing it- I sit back and say... "no, not now".. "wait till the moment, weather, inspiration, muse, etc is all ideal". The fact is that it never comes. You'd think that after a certain amount of time had gone by without the perfect moment I would realize that I may have to attempt it without this and actually write and rewrite until I enjoyed every bit of what it was that I wrote while reading it and actually thought it was readable to even one other set of eyes, human or otherwise. I think I will call this the obstacle of a-priori resignation in the face of fear of failure... (aka non-perfection) in the written art. This is a very bad obstacle... and the issue at hand is that I need to stop it in its tracks, uproot it before I actually believe it is true. The fact is that somewhere along the way it became a "creencia basica" or basic belief or assumption. Where? I don't know, why? I don't know either, but it is untrue. Most great works of art in any form have started out rough and then slowly been worked and re-worked in order to become the "final product" they are today. I think I expect writing to be like painting for me- spontaneous and flowering in the moment- and sometimes it happens with writing I suppose but last only for so long and many times before I can finish what I have started. When I paint, I set it all up and start painting.. and as I add color and texture- if I like it I leave it, if I don't I add to it or change it- but for me, it is a much faster process.. it doesn't need a beggining and ending.. it is one full peice in itself. If I want to write a story it really takes a lot more pre-planning, for example. Do I expect an instant blooming of a poem? I sometimes do... kind of like when I am playing the guitar and strike a few chords and pluck the strings in a specific order and then re-order those same chords.. and a new melody is created.. and it's lovely to me. I really hope that I am not as superficial as it perhaps appears- in the fact that I seem to want instant gratification- this is not it at all. I want inspiration and I want "effective" work. I don't want to waste time on something that wil not turn out. I guess though, that this is the sacrifice of every artist, and really the working with art does go beyond the product itself and has a lot more to do with the process and what the process itself does to the artist and his abilities. Usually, ideas and inspiration seem to come from working, not from something that was dreamed one night and then materialized as with the art of magic the next day on a whim. Maybe the fact that I work with paint and after some time it turns into what I see as beauty or expression shows me that it is not as spontaneous as I made it out to be. Even the playing of the guitar and a new arrangement comes after some time of plucking and experimenting. I believe I have found part of the answer... "experimenting and working bring about ideas that in turn may inspire to start an even more invigorating experiment that may also in turn satisfy in its product"!!!! In other words.. I need to sit down and experiment even when I am not "inspired" perse and maybe- just maybe will come to a place that inspires me more and gives me more reason to continue! I know it sounds like I am going around in circles, but do you see my train of thought? I am satisfied in this meandering and digging up of answers through reflection and introspection! viva la expresion!